


The Sound of Your Whisper

by carolynxx



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bottom Park Seonghwa, Canon Compliant, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gentle Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Pining, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Power Bottom Seonghwa, Smut, Top Kim Hongjoong, Unrequited Love, but maybe it's not, this is really soft okay, virgin hongjoong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:08:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29226759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolynxx/pseuds/carolynxx
Summary: The load of life sometimes becomes way too heavy for Hongjoong to carry. When he gets anxious Seonghwa is the only one who can save him and pull him out of the darkness by his voice alone. He is the support, the safety and the feeling of home that Hongjoong needs so much.But at the same time, he is the reason for Hongjoong's greatest suffering.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 16
Kudos: 184





	The Sound of Your Whisper

**Author's Note:**

> I read so many soft seongjoong fics that it turned me into a huge puddle and I wrote one mysalf asdhfbaldshf anyways, hope you enjoy!
> 
> Thanks [ Kokolores_und_wein](/users/kokolores_und_wein/) for being a great beta! Love you as always ❤️
> 
> The ASMR featured in this fic is [ this. ](https://youtu.be/pFSRZgiC0Zc)

Spending days and nights at the studio is just as normal for Hongjoong as it is to breathe. He can’t do anything about his own nature: he can’t think of anything else as long as he is not happy with his own work. And until he is - he’s doing whatever it takes. It’s that simple. 

Because whenever he’s not working, his fears and insecurities come crashing down on him, pulling him in like deep black water. 

The voices in his mind start telling him that he’s a failure. That he’ll never compose the song of his dreams and that he’ll never take the 8 of them to the top, because he’s not the leader they deserve and need. 

At least he doesn’t hear them when he’s busy. 

He is just a perfectionist, everybody says. He just has to take it a little bit easier. Has to come home at least once in a while, sleep, eat and take care of himself, because _God, hyung, you look like a zombie._

Hongjoong doesn’t do any of it. He thinks, screw it, as long as he can brighten up his dead eyes with some make up. He might look like a zombie, but they have no idea how he feels: tenfold worse. 

Of course, he knew it when he started that none of this would be easy. But he never knew it could get this hard. 

Breakdowns were becoming a constant of his life. Those were the times when nothing seemed right and Hongjoong didn’t know how to solve it, how to snap out of this feeling, pushing himself closer and closer to giving up. 

Today Hongjoong is in for it again. 

The sounds that he mixes don’t match together, being so extraordinarily far from the song of his dreams. Their weekly charts positions could have been so much higher and the performances could have been so much better. If Hongjoong doesn’t find a way to fix it all, they’ll end up at the very end of the downward spiral before he can even blink. 

He just doesn't work hard enough. It's all on him, no one else to blame. 

It's on him that they’re always standing at the edge of an abyss. It may seem that they’re fine, they’re far enough from an _abyss,_ but it would take just a tiny step in a wrong direction to fall down and never climb out again. And Honjoong’s afraid, so damn afraid to be the one who takes this step.

Yes, it would have been better if he never started this at all. There’d be another leader, he’d write all of their songs and he’d be strong. He’d know better than wasting his time on self-loathing like Hongjoong does at this very moment. 

Hongjoong finds himself panting. He’s dangerously close to a hysteria, he’s right on the verge of it, and it’s terrifying: in the back of his mind Hongjoong’s sure it has never gotten this extreme.

He slams his fists on the table. He stares at his own lyrics for a moment, before wiping the papers off the table, desperate and furious. He throws them into the farthest corners of the studio and tears apart the ones where he wrote the utterest _bullshit_ , slamming the table again and pulling at his hair, as if it could help him think straight. But it surely doesn’t. 

No matter how he feels, the universe won’t stop turning. It doesn’t care much about Hongjoong’s whims. He’s still supposed to do what needs to be done. And Hongjoong decides to save himself, for the sake of his own productivity. 

At least, he knows what to do. He’s got something that can bring him to life for a while. His own ultimate cure. 

With the next shuddered breath, Hongjoong gathers all the willpower that he has, gets up and collects the papers, hastily wiping off the tears in his eyes. And then he goes back to his chair and pulls out his phone. 

Hongjoong fails to tap the right button with his trembling fingers, but still makes it to Youtube at his third attempt. The right video is easy to find - it’s the first one on his playlist. Hongjoong vaguely thinks it’s unhealthy, the number of times he has watched it. 

The video starts playing, picking up right from where he stopped it the last time, filling the studio with a deep soft whisper. 

_“Hongjoong falls asleep easily, no matter where he is. It’s really cool.”_

Seonghwa sounds so real and so near as if he was sitting right next to him, and Hongjoong leans back in his chair, bringing the phone closer to his face, marveling at the gentle features of his hyung’s face. 

_“And his pose... it’s a really uncomfortable pose,”_ Seonghwa continues from the speakers, giggling at his own attempt to demonstrate it. Hongjoong’s lips curl up in a smile as he gradually stops shaking, finally regaining his breath, but at the same time he feels his eyes watering again. 

He might see and hear Seonghwa every day, but it doesn’t mean he’s getting enough. Not even barely. 

Seonghwa looks cheerfully, flirts with the camera like he was taught to, but a hint of genuine concern is still visible behind his professional smile. _“While chatting, he doesn’t reply. When I look back, he’s asleep… I’m a bit worried.”_

Hongjoong doesn’t remember how and when this has become his last resort. But whenever the panic threatens to consume him, it is only his hyung’s voice that can miraculously drag him out of the darkness. Deep, gentle and airy, it caresses his ears, as if Seonghwa spoke directly to his tired and broken soul, soothing it and leading it back to light. 

Seonghwa's voice had this effect - unless he wanted to be strict. Then it would turn so husky and vibrant it was _intimidating_ and made Hongjoong blush to the top of his ears. 

_“I wish he’d use a blanket while he sleeps,”_ the whispering continues.

Hongjoong should. The nights are cold in their room, colder than anywhere in the dorm, but every night he ends up falling asleep before having a chance to think about it, with too little rest and too many other things on his mind. 

And still, he finds himself wrapped up in a blanket every morning, because Seonghwa is much better in taking care of him than Hongjoong himself and he is the best friend one could ever wish for. 

Hongjoong pauses the video and blinks, trying to prevent the tears from spilling, but one lonely drop flows down his cheek all the same, burning hot to his skin. He hates it when he falls low enough to cry, but it's among those many things that he can't control. 

It’s a side effect of his cure. 

Of seeing, hearing and hopelessly loving Park Seonghwa. 

*** 

At the end, Hongjoong decides that perhaps, it’s time to return home. He is exhausted, no matter how hard he tries to ignore it. 

He is ready to give up the fight for today. He knows that when tomorrow comes he’ll fight again, and that he’ll be fighting as long as necessary. He’ll write the perfect song, he’ll be the perfect leader, and he’ll climb the highest mountains and take them to the top, as long as he’s not alone. He just needs to know it. 

He needs Seonghwa. Needs to come to their cozy room, illuminated by soft evening lights, look at Seonghwa’s face and hear him saying, “You’re home.” 

But none of this happens when Hongjoong returns: their room is empty and Seonghwa is nowhere to be found. 

Hongjoong forces himself not to search for him. He’s supposed to be a leader, not a drag. He should be able to entertain himself, and he begins with walking languidly around the room. Feels like he hasn’t been there for years. 

He thinks he was doing better the last time he actually slept here, before his last session of all-nighters at the studio, when his anxiety and fears were mercifully giving him a break. He guesses that’s the reason why all the colors look so dull to him right now, and why his eyes can’t seem to fix on anything that would make him happier. 

For a second, Hongjoong’s attention is caught by the collection of their albums, a row of colorful boxes that recently got longer due to their latest comeback. Seonghwa placed them right on top of the table, all albums in chronological order, thinking that it would make a pretty decoration, but more importantly - to serve them as a reminder of how far they’ve come. And it never failed to fulfill its purpose until now.

It genuinely scares Hongjoong to look at it now without feeling even the tiniest bit of pride in himself. Hasn’t he been useless all along, anyway?

He turns around hastily, with an urgent need to look somewhere else before this train of thought drives off. At the other side of the room stands Seonghwa’s bed, with some pictures hanging above it that weren’t there before. Pictures can’t hurt him, Hongjoong thinks. He might as well take a closer look. 

When he does, his mouth falls open. 

Seonghwa didn’t joke when he said he’d put up Hongjoong’s pictures on the walls. But that’s not what astounds him, not even the fact that they’re all black and white and that they were placed onto the wall with a great deal of planning and taste. 

What astounds Hongjoong is, he didn’t even know these photographs existed. 

Him looking at the sea and smiling, wind playing with his hair. Him drinking coffee in the kitchen. Talking. Laughing. Thoughtfully chewing a pen while working. 

His eyes roam across the wall as he tries to remember the times these pictures were made, but he can’t. There are no dates, and most of them are his portraits with no specific background – just a set of little meaningless moments. Merely snippets of Hongjoong’s life that Seonghwa has been carefully capturing and put on display like a canvas because he _missed him_. 

It’s almost surreal, the way Hongjoong feels about it. If someone asked him, he wouldn’t be able to put it into words. But beyond this entire mixture of different emotions, he's touched. 

He’d better put more effort into their friendship. He’d better cherish it. Even if it pains him to know that friendship is all there is and can ever be. 

Hongjoong sighs, laughing sadly to himself. There’s still something no one can take away from him. 

He gets onto his bed and returns to the ASMR he’s been watching, lowering the volume as if it was something indecent. He lays on his side, wrapping his arms around his knees, and while Seonghwa’s whisper continues to tell the viewers about their life, Hongjoong’s heart keeps on fluttering. 

The frames are changing from time to time, showing his own parts. Hongjoong wishes they weren’t there. He looks and sounds so rested and happy - must be nothing like what he is these days. It’s close to unbearable, to look at himself in the video, and yet, Hongjoong keeps it running. He was truly happy that day, and thinking he might be this happy ever again almost makes him feel whole. 

Just until the next part comes. 

The part that he usually skips when he’s not ready for the inevitable guilt, shame and arousal. He’s definitely not ready right now, but it’s too late when Seonghwa starts making those _kissing sounds_. 

It’s nothing, honestly. He only does it a few times, and it probably never intended to appear this obscene. No, it clearly didn’t. It’s just that everything about Seonghwa is permeated with sex, no matter what he does. All that Hongjoong has to do is use some imagination. 

He’s always been good at it. And if he takes Seonghwa’s hoodie that hangs on the chair, it’s going to work even better. 

Hongjoong wasn’t some creep - he actually never touched his hyung’s stuff unless it was for some normal and logical reason. The shame hits him hard as soon as his feet touch the floor, but the desire to feel Seonghwa at least a tiny bit closer is stronger than anything else.

Hongjoong is pulling the hoodie on himself before he knows it, because it is cold in their room, and because he has accidentally mistaken it for his own. 

At least, that’s what he hopes Seonghwa would believe if he came back the next hour. 

He returns to his bed, way more thrilled than he should be. He closes his eyes, nuzzling into the collar of Seonghwa’s hoodie and breathes in the sweet smell radiating from it. The sleeves are too long, they cover his fingers up to the tips and warm them perfectly, giving him a rare feeling of peace, as if this piece of simple black fabric was his last safe haven in this world. Hongjoong could keep nuzzling into it, relishing this softness and comfort until he falls asleep. But his other instincts tell him differently. And from the timing of the video, he knows what’s coming. Hongjoong knows it by heart. 

_“Can I do it with my bare hands?”_ he hears Seonghwa asking, and moves the phone closer. 

Seonghwa squeezes the hand cream onto his fingers, flashing his flirty smile, and Hongjoong greedily watches his hands, watches them touching, rubbing, caressing, trying to burn this sight into his memory just like every other time. 

He remembers how they filmed this. He was standing behind the camera, right in front of Seonghwa, fighting off the crimson painting his cheeks, gulping nervously and trying to act normal among the staff members while he imagined these hands somewhere else. Hongjoong craved them all over his body, gentle as they were, inside and out, with Seonghwa whispering awkward sweet nothings into his ear. He has never felt any more embarrassed, standing there and getting hard for _no fucking reason_. 

Hongjoong stormed out of the room. Dealt with it, roughly and hastily, in the closest toilet. But it brought him no solace, it never did.

Right now, he doesn’t feel any better, as he puts the phone to the side and rolls up the sleeves and the bottom of the hoodie. 

_At least don’t get it dirty, for fuck’s sake._ Hongjoong shuts his eyes, his fingers slip under the waistband of his briefs, and he presses the fabric closer to his nose, breathing in the faint scent of shower gel and perfume. But mostly, it just smells like Seonghwa. Hongjoong can pretend it's enough.

He strokes himself, languidly and with no pressure to the touch, like he thinks Seonghwa would. It feels so real that it scares him, and he lets out a pathetic whimper.

Hongjoong hasn’t done this for a while. He needs _more_ , he needs it right now, so he tugs his briefs lower, letting his cock spring flat against his stomach. He strokes it more firmly, gaining speed, and his toes curl at the sensation. Hongjoong is losing it, all his shame subduing to the pleasure, he runs his hand along his chest and doesn’t hold back the quiet moans tearing off his lips. His hips buck up instinctively, he tries to push into the fist so desperately as if it wasn’t his own. He must sound and look miserable right now, but Seonghwa’s voice in his mind tells him he’s _so pretty, so good for his hyung_ , and Hongjoong lets himself drown in it. 

He sweeps his fingers along his neck, just as softly as Seonghwa’s lips must feel if he’d kiss it, and breathes, breathes deeply, wanting the intoxicating scent to seep into his blood and stay there, to make Seonghwa his at least in this unworthy way. The pictures are vivid on Hongjoong eyelids, shattering and sparking up again. He sees Seonghwa’s face above him, nearly feels their bodies press together, and he clings on this illusion like it’s the last thing. 

Hongjoong is so painfully hard, he wants to cum, but he wants to prolong it even more. The movements of his hand hitch, he breaks off the release he yearns for, nearly weeping at the denial, but he’s got no mercy for himself. He needs Seonghwa to stay for just another second. 

The name flies off his dry lips before he can stop it.

"Mh~ Hwa…" 

And oh, how much his body loves the sound.

_"Seong- hwa!"_

It's more of a plea, a high-pitched whine, so loud that Hongjoong slams his mouth shut with his palm. He clenches his fist harder, pulling at the collar of the hoodie to hold on for life, while his body bends and twists from the torturous pleasure. A fleeting whisper in his mind orders, _“cum for me, baby”_ , and Hongjoong can’t drag out on this any longer. The climax hits him, it hits him hard, making him cry and spurt thick white ropes all over his stomach. And for a brief second, Hongjoong is high up in the stars, numb to anything but rapture. 

He pays a high price for this second. The higher the ecstasy, the more devastated it leaves him after he’s done. A dark abyss of hopelessness is always waiting for him at the end, the burden of his unfulfilled desires and lust that can never be sated. Because no matter how the sky turns, Seonghwa will never be his.

Hongjoong pants, only finding enough power to wipe himself with the tissues, relieved that at least he managed not to stain Seonghwa's hoodie. 

_This love will destroy it all someday._

There is no other thought floating through Hongjoong's mind before he succumbs to a short and troubled sleep.

***

Hongjoong wakes up with a gasp. He was falling down an enormous building in his dream, and it vaguely resembled the building where KQ was located. It made this dream tenfold more terrifying, so now Hongjoong lays on his back, eyes wide open and feeling a little lost. 

The first thing he notices – he's wrapped up in a blanket. 

The second - Seonghwa is here. 

Obviously not aware that Hongjoong is awake, he stands in front of the mirror in nothing but underwear and takes his time to smear cream across his face. It looks a bit cold and tired in the harsh lights of the nearby lamp, but beautiful all the same.

Hongjoong can see Seonghwa's entire reflection, from head to toes, and decides to furtively watch his hyung for a while. It's a rare occurrence, to be able to look at Seonghwa for longer than permitted.

Right now he looks just how Hongjoong likes him most: no make-up, no jewelry, and naturally dark hair, messy after the shower. Seonghwa slicks it back with his palm to give it a more decent style, but it’s still wet. Drops of water splatter onto his neck and shoulders, he doesn’t bother wiping them off, and Hongjoong watches them run down his delicate, almost naked body. 

It's ridiculous, the power that hides beneath Seonghwa's tender frame. It still makes Hongjoong hold his breath to recall how strong the elder actually is.

Hongjoong knows he shouldn't stare so shamelessly, even if he thinks it’s safe. And yet, his eyes keep roaming along the smooth curves of Seonghwa's figure, drinking in the sight until they linger at the neat happy trail that runs down Seonghwa’s abdomen and dissapears under the waistband of his briefs. Seonghwa never had it before, and Hongjoong adds another kink to the long list in his head, suddenly feeling way too hot under this damn blanket. 

_"Hongjoong?"_

Seonghwa turns around, looking at him with an unreadable expression. 

"You- you’ve got- Uhm,” Hongjoong stutters dumbly, eyes still frozen on the spot. 

He gives himself a mental faceslap, but it's no help at all. An awkward silence falls between them, while Seonghwa seemingly tries to process what he's just heard. 

"Well," he chuckles. "Since I don't have to flash my abs anymore, I thought I'd let it be." 

Hongjoong forces his eyes to study the patterns on the blanket instead. “Sure," he mumbles. "Makes sense.”

"I'm glad you're home," Seonghwa turns back to the mirror to finish with the cream. "You didn’t tell me." 

"I thought you were busy." 

"I would have come anyway. You’ve barely even been here this month.”

Seonghwa sounds embittered, if not utterly upset, and it's a little odd. Hongjoong feels the need to break the ice. 

“Well, now you’re here, so...How was your day?"

"It was fine. Been chilling with San." 

“Oh. And what did you do with _San_?” 

No, Hongjoong didn't intend to sound this jealous. 

"We've been working out," Seonghwa responds, pulling on pyjama pants and a t-shirt. "And then we bought some takeaway chicken and walked in the park." 

"Mm. Was it good? The chicken." 

"Kind of. I mean, it's street food. The expectations weren't high."

He lets out a short laugh, but when he looks at Hongjoong closer, he knows immediately that something isn't right. 

"Joongie, tell me, did you have another breakdown?" 

"No, why?"

Seonghwa is still looking at him, waiting for an answer, and Hongjoong breaks under his strict gaze. 

" _Yes._ "

"Why didn't you call me?" 

"I didn't want to bother you.”

"Hey, stop," Seonghwa sits on the bed next to him. "You're not- bothering me. Never. I want to help you, however I can. Do you want to talk about it?" 

He looks so genuinely concerned that Hongjoong wants to cry again. There’s absolutely nothing to talk about. They’ve done it a thousand times. He is simply ridiculous, pathetic and unable to deal with his own shit and his mood swings as if he was a thirteen-year-old girl. He is just _fine._

Hongjoong might spend endless hours repeating himself the same obvious lie. But he could never lie to Seonghwa. 

“Yes. Please,” he says quietly.

Seonghwa nods. “Should I lie down with you?“

“Sure. Thanks.”

Hongjoong rolls closer to the wall to free the space on the bed, hearing his own heartbeat, fast and loud like a thunder. He must be insane for saying yes to this. To having Seonghwa next to him in this tiny narrow bed. There is a reason he’s been avoiding this for a year. 

The mattress dips at another one’s weight. 

“Alright, come here then,” Seonghwa says, spreading his arms. Hongjoong turns onto his side, pressing his nose right into Seonghwa’s neck, and Seonghwa wraps his arm around him, placing Hongjoong’s head on his shoulder. They’re so close that Hongjoong is ready to burst. He missed this familiar warmth way too much. 

“So, what’s on your mind?” Seonghwa asks, looking at him thoughtfully.

“I don’t know, it’s- I can’t make anything right.”

“Is it about the new song that you’re writing?” 

“Yeah. And our chart results. And the sales. All of it. I’m just afraid that we’re going to fail, and-“ Hongjoong inhales sharply. “-that I’m not good enough. I know I'm not the only one responsible, but when everything piles up, I can’t handle it. I just sit there trembling, crying and crashing furniture like some fucking freak, like... It would be better if I just quit. That's what I think and it’s scary, hyung.” 

Seonghwa frowns, trying to choose the right words. Even the briefest thought of Hongjoong leaving makes his heart clench. 

“You carry all of us on your shoulders, and I know it’s a lot. But I can’t imagine anyone who would do better,” he says carefully. “You are the strongest person I know.” 

“Pfft, definitely." Hongjoong hems, hiding his eyes in the crook of Seonghwa’s neck. "And now you have me whining about how tough my life is.” 

“It’s fine if you do. It doesn’t make you weak. We’re just taking care of your emotional health, and if it helps - feel free to use me.” 

Seonghwa strokes his hair and Hongjoong looks up, lips curling in a weak smile. “It really helps when you... talk. Just tell me it will be okay. Because if it’s you, I’m gonna believe it.” 

Despite his forced cheerful tone, there’s some unexplainable sorrow in Hongjoong’s eyes, and this time Seonghwa isn’t sure he can chase it away. But like he always does, he opts for absolute honesty. 

“You are the best leader we could wish for,” he says softly, almost chanting, and presses the younger tighter to his body. “Some things take a lot of time to achieve. But you are talented, hardworking, and you’re the one who will take us there, Hongjoong. Don’t ever doubt it.” 

Seonghwa’s voice charms him, as soothing as the sound of waves that hug the seashore, and Hongjoong falls under the spell. It always helps. But an involuntary tear still flows down his temple: Seonghwa is always so caring - Hongjoong doesn’t deserve it for a bit. Not for the lowly thoughts and desires that posess his mind. 

“Hey, I’m here,” Seonghwa brushes the tear off with his thumb. “Don’t be afraid. It will be okay. And until it is – you know I’ll always catch you if you fall.” 

_But no one caught me when I fell for you._

“I hate this. Hate myself for running to you all the time like a stupid child.” 

“Joongie, that’s not-“

His voice turns shaky. “I feel like I’m a burden, all I ever do is drag you down!“ 

“ _Hongjoong._ I don’t think you understand what you mean to me.” Seonghwa cuts him off, a tone so firm it makes Hongjoong flinch. 

He takes a deep breath before he continues, returning to the previous softness. “You are my treasure. _Our_ treasure. Every single day I’m grateful that we have you, and I…God, wish I could protect you from your fears.”

Honjoong wants to tell him that he does, he does it like no one else can, but stops himself just on time. Seonghwa looks at the ceiling for a moment, as if considering something. And then takes Hongjoong’s hands in his own. 

He circles the pads of his fingers around the knuckles, so gently as if they were made of glass. “If I could,” he whispers, “I’d shield you from the entire world."

He rubs Hongjoong’s hands and slowly brings each one to his lips to blow hot air on them. Hongjoong turns so nervous that all the blood seems to have suddenly left his body. All he can do is stare, wide-eyed, at how Seonghwa is _nearly kissing his hands._

It’s not what he thinks it is. Can’t be.

“They're really cold, hm." 

“Sorry..."

"Don't be."

Seonghwa keeps warming his hands until they’ve regained a healthy temperature.

"I-it’s better now," Hongjoong says, trying to hide the panic, and snaps his hands away. "Thanks."

"Good," Seonghwa chuckles. "Let's sleep then."

He fumbles with the blanket for a while, making sure they’re both comfortable, and when he’s done, Hongjoong ends up wrapping himself around him as if he was a giant pillow. It was normal, back when they used to sleep in the same bed - up until for Hongjoong it became unsafe.

And it _is_ unsafe, when his lips are almost touching Seonghwa’s neck and when his crotch is pressing at Seonghwa’s thigh. But it feels so damn right that Hongjoong can’t force himself to change position.

They lay there in twilight, surrounded by the quiet sound of each other’s breathing and the dull light of a street lamp coming from the window. Hongjoong knows he’ll get no sleep. He watches Seonghwa’s chest calmly rising up and down, wishing they could stay this way forever, but since they can’t, Hongjoong wants to use all the time that he has, relishing the proximity and warmth of the body next to his own.

The clock on the table stopped ticking. But what does Hongjoong need it for, when he’s in Seonghwa’s arms. When he can pretend that time does not exist at all. 

If only it didn’t slip through his fingers, fast like a river, nearing the moment when he’s torn away from Seonghwa’s embrace. 

“You’re not sleeping, are you?” The question comes out of the dark, breaking the silence.

Hongjoong fakes a yawn. "Mhhh, no. Not anymore.”

“Your heart is literally jumping out of your chest.” 

“Oh, really? I didn’t notice.” 

Hongjoong tries to figure out something less dumb to say, but apparently his brain tends to short-circuit with no breaks today. 

And then it strikes him: Seonghwa knows. Seonghwa knows everything about his shameful feelings, may they be damned. But even if Hongjoong is just paranoid, this whole situation is absolutely no good. 

“Well, actually-“ he sits up abruptly and scoops further to the end of the bed, searching for escape. “You can go if you want to. I don’t want to rob you off your sleep.” 

“I don’t care, we’re free tomorrow,” Seonghwa turns on the night lamp and sits up as well. 

“You’re so nervous, even now. I’m really worried. Please, please tell me how to make it better,” he says, hugging Hongjoong from behind.

Hongjoong feels Seonghwa’s breath somewhere around his nape. Feels Seonghwa’s hands on his waist. 

_Just love me back._

He’s about to spit it out. He’s so damn weak - there must be no other way to end this but hearing a rejection. Seonghwa should break his heart for good, the cruder, the better.

But Hongjoong can’t afford it. Not while they’re sharing the same future. 

“Go, hyung,” he whispers. Tears fill his eyes yet again, burning more than ever. “Just...Please, go.” 

Even though Seonghwa can’t see him crying, he hears the tears in that pained bleak whisper, feels them in how Hongjoong’s body trembles in his hands.

"No. Look at me."

Hongjoong turns around, and this - this must be the end. He stares at Seonghwa’s lips with no disguise, just a breath away from his own, and gets ready for whatever is coming when he kisses them. 

But before he starts pondering the possibilities, Seonghwa kisses him first. It’s not even a kiss, just a brush of lips against lips that lasts no longer than a second - it's barely even there. 

But it _is_ there. 

“Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did this,” Seonghwa mutters, scrambling to get up from the bed. “Just forget it, I-um, I’m gonna go.” 

Hongjoong grabs his hand with an unexpected iron-tight grip. "Wait. I know you want me to feel better,” he says gravely. “But if you do this out of pity-“ 

“I never pitied you, Hongjoong. I...I kissed you because it was so hard not to. Guess I fucked up.” 

___A sad laugh falls off Seonghwa’s lips. His confidence fades, replaced by dismalness. “Because I love you. And I have no idea what to do about it.“_ _ _

__

__“You – _what_?”_ _

__

__“I love you,” Seonghwa repeats, scowling as if saying it caused him physical pain. “Just know that I do."_ _

__

__He gets up to leave, surprised when Hongjoong stops him again._ _

__

__“Hyung, no, I-” Hongjoong looks up at him, mesmerized. The narrow space between them gets filled with thriving devotion and longing, and the still untold truth._ _

__

__But Hongjoong really isn’t good with words._ _

__

__He takes a breath and leans forward, startled and excited, like he's jumping off a cliff into a crystal blue lake. But as soon as they kiss, he’s flying straight up to outer space._ _

__

Seonghwa’s lips are softer than rose petals. 

__

__Hongjoong caresses them with his own, getting closer to an actual kiss and forgetting that in fact he has no idea if he does it right. But as intoxicating as it feels to kiss Seonghwa, Hongjoong still won't deepen it, too scared to move on, as if Seonghwa could disappear the next second and leave him alone in his cold and empty bed._ _

__

__But Seonghwa is still here, and he doesn't hesitate. He cups Hongjoong’s face, strokes his cheek and licks onto his lower lip, asking for permission. Hongjoong parts his lips right away, allowing Seonghwa’s tongue to pry them open, slip into his mouth and _start a fire.__ _

__

__Seonghwa kisses him deeply, with fervor and a hint of growing lust. He's been thirsty, he has craved this for so long - Hongjoong feels it with his bones, burning him through the core, and all he wants is to surrender to this overwhelming pasison and give Seonghwa his everything._ _

__

__He’s already done it, a long time ago._ _

__

__“I love you too,” Hongjoong whispers hotly into his mouth and drowns in that kiss. He responds just as eagerly, licking at Seonghwa’s tongue, desperately grabbing at Seonghwa’s t-shirt to ground himself. Hongjoong’s growing greedy for more, more of Seonghwa, and the kisses turn so needy that they’re nearly biting._ _

__

__Seonghwa almost hears himself growling. He pulls Hongjoong closer by his waist, sitting him onto his lap, and lets his hands roam underneath Hongjoong’s clothes. They trace his back, his bare skin, eliciting delighted sighs from the younger. Seonghwa parts from Hongjoong’s lips to move to his neck and kiss it just around the pulsing vein, where it’s so delicate and warm. Hongjoong shivers and buries his fingers in Seonghwa’s hair, his breath hitching as Seonghwa laps at his neck more persistently, and before he can hold back, he’s _moaning_. _ _

__

__Hongjoong didn’t even know he could make these sounds. And Seonghwa – he has never heard anything prettier._ _

__

__“You like it there, hm?” he smiles into Hongjoong’s skin._ _

__

__“Y-yeah...do it again. Please,” Hongjoong asks. He’s so obviously ashamed of his own lewdness, so timid and pretty that Seonghwa can hardly resist crossing whatever lines they have left._ _

__

__“Anything,” he says, and goes back to kissing Hongjoong’s neck. _“I’ll do anything you want me to.”_ _ _

__

__Hongjoong’s lost in that husky voice, lost in pleasure that he never felt before – it’s like a fever, and the only thought flooding his mind is the thought of Seonghwa’s lips all over him. He yanks the hoodie up and pulls it off, but it’s taking way too long and he’s getting impatient._ _

__

__Seonghwa helps him and throws it across the room onto Hongjoong's table._ _

__

__“Keep it. You look hot, wearing my clothes,” he grins. “But I must say, you look hotter without any clothes at all.”_ _

__

__“Ah, stop...Aren’t you going to-” he points at Seonghwa’s still dressed body._ _

__

__Seonghwa sheds his t-shirt in one graceful move. Hongjoong can feel the heat of his skin as he puts his hands on Seonghwa’s shoulders, touching him carefully like a sculpture of marble._ _

__

__Even if Hongjoong knew he’d get to touch Seonghwa this way, there’d be nothing that could prepare him for the sensation that it is. His hands slide lower onto Seonghwa’s chest, down to his stomach, skimming along the lean muscles - he doesn’t really know what to do, but this seems just right, the way Seonghwa’s skin feels beneath his fingers, flawlessly smooth and glowing golden in the dim warm light._ _

__

__Seonghwa observes Hongjoong with great interest and a little smile, waiting patiently for him to be done with playing._ _

__

__“You’re hard,” he smirks._ _

__

__Hongjoong blushes. “You too.”_ _

__

__“Should we do something about it?”_ _

__

__Seonghwa gives him a chaste kiss on the lips and pulls him into his lap again, making Hongjoong gasp when their erections rub against each other through the clothes. He’s suddenly so aware of what is about to happen, an uneasy tingle in his chest growing stronger._ _

__

__He’s gotta say it._ _

__

__“I’ve never-” he sutters. “I haven’t done this before.”_ _

__

__“You mean, with a man?”_ _

__

__“With _anyone._ ”_ _

__

__“Oh.”_ _

__

__“I didn’t really have the time for this stuff. Is it...bad?”_ _

__

__“No. Baby, _no_ ,” Seonghwa breathes out. “I’m so glad I’ll be the first one,” he kisses Hongjoong again and starts undoing the strings of his sweatpants. “I’ll make you feel so good. Will you let me?”_ _

__

__Honjoong isn’t sure what Seonghwa is planning to do, but all his fears are dissapearing. Seonghwa is right there with him, loving him, and nothing else matters. Hongjoong says _yes.__ _

__

__Seonghwa pulls out his cock, making him flinch at the contact with the cold air. He strokes it slowly, tentatively, observing Hongjoong’s reactions._ _

__

__“Relax. Just let it go, okay?” he says in that deep voice of his, and Hongjoong’s body obeys it on its own. He lets out an involuntary moan: the fist clenches harder around the base of his shaft, before Seonghwa starts moving it up and down a bit faster._ _

__

__“Is this good?” he asks._ _

__

__“Y-yeah, just-“_ _

__

__“What, baby?” Seonghwa rubs his thumb against the sensitive tip of Hongjoong’s cock, smearing the first bits of precum around the head._ _

__

__“Mmmh - yes, that.”_ _

__

__“It’s really pretty, you know?” Seonghwa says, licking his lips as if he was looking at a candy. “Your cock.”_ _

__

__Hongjoong nearly chokes on his breath. All the things Seonghwa says, the way he talks, makes him so impossibly aroused, and he finds it unfair. He refuses to suffer alone._ _

__

__“Wanna do this with you,” he whispers, tracing the outlines of Seonghwa’s cock with his forefinger. Hongjoong has only seen it limp and it was enough to fuel his fantasies for all the days to come. But now that he feels it in its full hardness, he’s ready to beg Seonghwa to let him touch it._ _

__

__He doesn’t have to. Seonghwa shifts closer and tugs down his pants, just enough to let his cock spring free. Hongjoong is so astounded it’s adorable and Seonghwa just can’t help but tease. “Go for it, then,” he smiles._ _

__

__Hongjoong wraps his hand around both of their cocks, pressing them together. He moves his fist slowly, trying not to press too hard. He needs to do it right. He searches for any signs of confirmation from Seonghwa, too shy to ask, but it’s getting hard to think as his mind turns hazy from that much intimacy, from how their noses brush against each other and how Seonghwa runs his fingers through his hair._ _

__

__“Kiss me,” he says._ _

__

__Hongjoong willingly complies. Seonghwa wraps his hand around Hongjoong’s, reassuring and adding more strenght to his grip. “That’s it, baby. You’re doing so well,” he murmurs. “Such a good boy.”_ _

__

__Hongjoong whines, hips snapping forward to rub harder against Seonghwa, against the hot throbbing shaft in his hand - he’s not sure if it’s the proximity or the praise that drives him so insane. He moves his fist in rhytm with the short thrusts of his hips while the glide becomes easier, and he looks down to see both of them leaking precum. He’d love to go down and lick it off Seonghwa’s cock, but Seonghwa pulls him out of the thoughts, letting out his first moan._ _

__

__He bites his lip to muffle the next ones and begins to thrust his hips as well, hand still wrapped around Hongjoongs. It’s not controlling, just holding - Seonghwa is too dazed for any sort of control, he gives in to the pleasure, and as they grind wetly against each other, he’s almost collapsing, unable to keep himself up._ _

__

__“Mhh, Joongie,” he whines. “You’ll make me cum so soon.”_ _

__

__“But I want you to feel good,” Hongjoong says bravely. “I want to hear you moan. See you lose it.”_ _

__

__His mouth is not his own anymore - it can’t be him, saying all this. But Seonghwa's reaction surprises him more._ _

__

__“Baby, wait,” he looks down where their fingers are linked around their cocks. “If you don't mind- Can I ride you?”_ _

__

__Hongjoong’s dumbfounded. And that’s for all those times when he dreamt of being taken, of Seonghwa owning him, subduing him and spreading him wide on this exact bed._ _

__

__But when he imagines Seonghwa bouncing on his cock, it takes him less than a second to agree._ _

__

__“Uhm, yeah.”_ _

__

__“Good,” Seonghwa smiles. “Now lay down on your back for me, okay?”_ _

__

__Hongjoong watches Seonghwa getting rid of his remaining clothes, vaguely wondeing how he can be so confident._ _

__

__He must have done it before._ _

__

__No, _of course_ , Seonghwa has done it before. They’re not seventeen anymore. It’s not something abnormal. Still, Hongjoong feels a strange pull in his chest, an illogical and intoxicating jealousy towards someone he probably doesn’t even know, towards someone who has been inside Seonghwa, and for some reason it’s San’s face that sparks up in his mind. _ _

__

__But Hongjoong decides, San wouldn’t do it right. Neither would anyone else. They would never be able to please his hyung the way he deserves to be pleased. The way _Hongjoong_ can please him. _ _

__

__“You seem really tense. What is it, Joongie?” Seonghwa asks, getting onto the bed and straddling Hongjoong’s thighs. He strokes Hongjoong’s cock, pulls a condom over it, and squeezes some lube from the bottle that seems to have appeared out of nowhere._ _

__

__“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?”_ _

__

__Seonghwa looks at him curiously, as if he could read Hongjoong’s troubled mind and all his deepest cares like an open book._ _

__

__“Would it upset you?” he asks, aligning Hongjoong’s cock with his crack and rubbing slowly against it. “To know that I had a cock shoved up my ass before?”_ _

__

__“I guess so,” Hongjoong admits, frowning at his choice of words. “Yes, it would.”_ _

__

__Seonghwa presses the tip of Hongjoong’s cock to his rim, nearly breaking the resistance of the tight muscle._ _

__

__“Well, I hadn’t. But I love to play with myself from time to time.”_ _

__

__The weight falls off Hongjoong’s chest. But relief is replaced by a new wave of arousal right away: Seonghwa stretching himself with his own fingers or maybe something bigger - it must be a sight from an erotic film._ _

__

__“Yes, baby,” Seonghwa hums. “Guess what I was doing in the shower.”_ _

__

__Hongjoong opens his mouth, but before he can say anything, Seonghwa sinks down on his cock, taking all of it and moaning softly when it’s fully seated inside him. He flinches from slight pain, but ignores it and starts moving his hips up and down, thinking of Hongjoong and driven by desire to make him feel good. The pain subsides soon, leaving him with nothing but the heavenly feeling of fullness, and he speeds up, clenching tighter and taking pride in how Hongjoong sighs from pleasure, unable to take his eyes off him.__

____

__Hongjoong simply isn’t capable of anything else. He clutches the bedsheets, limbs stiff, and his thoughts an endless flow of "this is really happening". He shouldn’t just lay there and do nothing, but whenever Seonghwa raises his hips and slams them down again, engulfing him in the tight heat of his body, Hongjoong freezes at the sensation._ _

__Seonghwa reaches for his fists and unclenches them, linking their fingers together. He leans down to give Hongjoong a quick chaste kiss on the lips - too chaste for what they’re doing, and sits back upright, bringing Hongjoong’s hands with him, snapping the younger out of trance._  
_

__

__

__

__“You can touch,” he says sensually, leaving Hongjoong's hands on his thighs. “If you want to.”_ _

__

__

__

__Hongjoong does. He strokes Seonghwa’s thighs, and reaches further up to rest his hands on Seonghwa’s waist. Hongjoong holds it for a while, so impossibly thin and delicate, and slowly slides down to the little curve of Seonghwa’s ass that fits so perfectly in his hands when he gropes it. Hongjoong lets him set the rhythm, finding it so breathtakingly beautiful, the way Seonghwa moves smoothly on top of him as if he was dancing. But he sees Seonghwa's chest heavening with labored breaths, little beads of sweat gathering on his skin, too - it must be hard for him, doing all the work on his own._ _

__

__

__

__Hongjoong braces himself and thrusts up, making Seonghwa gasp and nearly fall on his chest._ _

__

__

__

__“Oh god, did it hurt?"_ _

__

__

__

__“No, no, it- felt so good,” Seonghwa pants, surprised by how powerful the sudden spark of pleasure was. “Do it again.”_ _

__

__

__

__“Like this?” Hongjoong asks, snapping his hips once more._ _

__

__

__

__“Aaah~ yes, keep going!”_ _

__

__

__

__Hongjoong doesn’t need to be told twice. He grabs Seonghwa by his waist and starts thrusting, tearing off more of the lewd moans from his lips. He never thought Seonghwa could be this _loud._ __

____  
Hongjoong loves what he hears. He leaves his hyung no rest, meeting his movements and fucking into him deeply, aiming to hit just where Seonghwa loved it so much, and with the way Seonghwa shudders and clenches around him, he thinks he's succeeding. Hongjoong goes harder with every push, turning more reckless without even noticing, losing it and forgetting the entire world, until Seonghwa can't hold himself up anymore and falls into his arms.  


__

__

__

__With some newfound confidence, Hongjoong flips them over, not leaving his hyung's tight hole even for a second. He pauses to skim his hand along Seonghwa's chest, his taut stomach, and mutters,_ _

__

__

__

__"I'll take care of you now, hyung."_ _

__

__

__

__Seonghwa places his legs on Hongjoong's hips, looking up at him with searing lust, and Hongjoong waits no longer._ _

__

__

__

__He finds the right angle easily, slamming back into Seonghwa's pliant body. Seonghwa wraps his arms around him for leverage as he writhes in the bedsheets from their faster and stronger pace._ _

__

__

__

__"Yes, yes, there-," he moans, nails scraping Hongjoong's back. "You feel so good inside me!"_ _

__

__

__

__"Oh yeah?" Hongjoong grins, moving a damp hair from Seonghwa's forehead. "And how about this?"_ _

__

__

__

__He wraps his hand around Seonghwa's cock and pumps it in time with his thrusts, only hard enough to tease and drive him even further into a frenzy._ _

__

__

__

__"Ah, fuck," Seonghwa cries, each moan dying on the next one. "Please, please more, I'm gonna-"_ _

__

__

__

__Seonghwa is _begging_ him. He must be in heaven._ _

__

__

__

__Hongjoong won't deny him the pleasure. He clenches his fist a bit harder, aiming to bring Seonghwa to the edge and it doesn't take long before he comes, with a shudder, all over his own stomach and Hongjoong's hand._ _

__

__

__

__Hongjoong stays inside him for a second, taking a breath and sharing the afterglow with him. Seonghwa looks up at him, dazed, blissed and tired, but still not letting go._ _

__

__

__

__"Stay,” he whispers. “Use me till you cum."_ _

__

__

__

__Gentle hands wrap around Hongjoong, reassuring, and that’s all he could ever need. He speeds up, pushing in with sharp thrusts, so overwhelmed he feels he can tear the elder apart. Hongjoong wants to kiss him, kiss him till the morning light, so he starts right now, and Seonghwa meets his lips eagerly, but there’s no kissing, nothing but the feverish biting and hot moaning into each other’s mouth. Hongjoong feels a step away from an explosion._ _

__

__

__

__“H-hwa!”_ _

__

__

__

__“Yes, baby. _Cum for me_ ,” Seonghwa orders, clenching tightly around Hongjoong and holding him close. The hard cock is throbbing stronger against his sensitive insides, just until Hongjoong thrusts into him one last time, and Seonghwa watches him, watches in awe how the climax hits him, his fluttering eyelashes and lips, half-parted in a silent cry. _ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__It takes a while before Hongjoong comes down. He doesn’t, not fully at least - neither of them does. They don’t know for how long they lay like this, face to face on their sides, looking into each other’s eyes as if they’ve never seen one another before._ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__They keep on smiling like teenagers, speechless, and Hongjoong thinks he should say something, but nothing comes to his mind._ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__With how Seonghwa is gleaming with happiness, he may just stop thinking for once. Because Seonghwa knows him with a heartbeat. And feels just the same way._ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__“I love you. So fucking much,” he says in that addicting soft voice of his. Hongjoong feels shivers running down his spine again._ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__“So do I,” he responds, lacing their fingers together. “Was it okay? I mean, did you like it?”_ _

__

__

__

__

__

__

__

__“Oh, didn’t you notice?" Seonghwa laughs. "I fear the entire country could hear how much I did.”_ _

__

__

__

__Hongjoong blushes. “Just wanna make sure.”_ _

__

__

__

__“I loved it. Every second of it.”_ _

__

__

__

__Seonghwa places Hongjoong’s head onto his shoulder, just where it belongs, letting Hongjoong wrap himself around him. It’s been a long time since he felt so whole and content. Seonghwa presses him closer, instinctively wanting to protect him from whatever may come, and listens to his heartbeat that finally seems steadier._ _

__

__

__

__“Joongie," he hums._ _

__

__

__

__“Yes?”_ _

__

__

__

__"The new song. You never told me, what is it about?”_ _

__

__

__

__“Uhm...Doesn’t matter. I won’t finish it," Hongjoong mumbles._ _

__

__

__

__“Why? We can figure something out, it can't be as bad as you think."_ _

__

__

__

__“No. It's just...It’s about unrequited love. Pain, hopelessness, this kind of stuff. You know, I'll throw those lyrics to the trash. Don't want to write about heartbreak." Hongjoong smiles, playing with Seonghwa's fingers. "Not anymore."_ _

__

__

__

Seonghwa looks at him for a moment, and plants a gentle kiss on his lips. This heart won't be broken. 

__

_"Never again."_

__

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ❤️  
> 


End file.
